Canada. Land of bacon and hockey. Birthplace of Pamela Anderson and Peter North, two people who single-handedly upped worldwide semen production by 300% throughout the ’90s. For all these reasons and more, we’re heading north, which is the name of Mr. North’s next film, I believe.
Hello, Toronto.
When we last left our hero Jordan, he was traveling the country on the run from pissed off furries, Christians, and at least one webcomic fan. He is searching for a new place called home, far from the machine-like force relentlessly trying to wipe him out.
Exactly like this. But with a lot less sex and violence.
This week we’re bringing it on home. Clarkeslist is going to be a little abbreviated this week because I’m in the process of moving, but it’s also getting as close to my hometown as craigslist will allow.
That’s right, we’re looking at Statesboro, GA today. And guess what? It’s just as weird as everywhere else.
So I didn’t have an article last week. The strange, horrible truth is that I am now on the run from the combined forces of furries, creationists, and webcomic artists. They attacked me at my home, so as of now I’m on the road. I travel from town to town, helping the locals, avoiding a journalist, and hoping to contain the beast that dwells within me.
Wait, that’s David Banner.
Don't make me snarky, you wouldn't like me when I'm snarky.
Well, I’m on the run. But that won’t stop me from writing about awful websites. I will not be stopped, no matter how much I wish I could. Today’s website is Sissy Kiss. Strap in folks, this one is going to be rough.
Somehow I’ve managed to avoid Texas all this time. I’d best remedy this situation before they go full batshit, make a few more changes to correct reality’s liberal bias, rename the state The Republican Republic of Palinia, and block the socialist haven web-site known to the California limousine liberals as craigslist. Here’s Houston.
We’re goin’ out west today. But we’re not headed for California. Look a little further north. We’re going to Portland, Oregon, a town with which I am familiar for two reasons: weed and, more importantly, Chuck Palahniuk. Palahniuk drew inspiration for some elements in his novels from The City of Roses (Project Mayhem in Fight Club was inspired by the Portland chapter of the Cacophony Society) and even wrote a memoir-fueled travel guide to the city. If it’s good enough for the guy who wrote Guts, it’s definitely good enough for me.
As you all know, Internet is a terrifying place, more so than any of us ever really want to know. I’ve said that a lot, and the sites I’ve found bear that out, but it’s come to my attention that it could be much worse. Apparently, a team of superhumans is patrolling Internet, keeping it safe acceptable for you and me. So, in lieu of exploring one more spirit-melting site, I’m going to examine those few, brave souls. It has nothing to do with me being lazy and writing this at the last minute. Nothing. At. All.
If you believe It’s Always Sunny, (and I do, wholeheartedly) Philadelphia is the kind of place where worthless drunks and functioning psychopaths can live (mostly) free of scorn or consequence. It’s the kind of place where you can discover a serial killer, confront him/her with a roaring chainsaw, and then go right back to your normal routine of lighting your sibling on fire and drinking wine from a can.
I can’t think of a better craigslist environment.
Internet can really get me down sometimes. I’ve seen all sorts of things that would destroy normal people. My nights are filled with terrifying visions, and when I close my eyes, I see 1guy1jar. But now I may have hope of changing this, all thanks to the good people at Warp My Mind.
I’ve looked at a lot of places, made fun of a lot of people. But I’ve not yet turned the camera back on myself. That won’t happen, (I promise you, where I live, there is less than nothing happening. I will pay you to come do strange things here) but I can venture close. Atlanta is a unique place in Georgia. It and Athens, to the northwest, are little bubbles of multi-culturalism surrounded by towns and cities very much entrenched in Southern-ness. There’s nothing wrong with Southern-ness, mind you, but Southern people tend to be very good at hiding their weirdness… the weirdness that isn’t generally accepted, anyway (go look up what a “cow patty drop” is).
No, we need people that are ready to let their freakiness out to play. So, we’ve got to go to these centers of strange, these hubs of weirdness. We goin to Atlanta, y’all.
